Time's flying!

So Maxer turned the big 1 month this Tuesday. It took me a second to actually take it all in... it's bittersweet. Bitter because he's growing faster than I want him to, but sweet because he's amazing me with everything he's learning to do and amaze me with each day. I sat today with him and told him the story from the very beginning of his mommy's journey with him. Here's how it went:

Once upon a time there was a woman who was sad with her life. Nothing seemed to be going right and she dealt with her unhappiness in the wrong ways and hurt those around her that she loved the most. The time came when she found out she was pregnant and thought her life was about to crash down around her - how was she going to get through school and raise a child the way she felt was right? For about a week she cried each day, trying to make sense of what God was doing in her life and why this was happening. It was short-lived however. She felt her baby boy flutter around the day after Mother's day and realized the joy of what she was creating. As she grew rounder, her heart only grew fuller. She went into the doctor on a beautiful June day and her instincts were confirmed: she was having a little boy. Life was amazing. Seeing the little hand, him kicking his feet around, and how he was growing and healthy she wept with joy of what was about to come before she knew it. And began growing a deeper love for his daddy and the blessing he gave her. The next few months she grew antsy, awaiting his arrival and hoping day after day the next day would be the moment she gave birth to him. His time came and went, with her getting more and more frustrated. She was ready to meet this boy who had changed her life ever so much! The next week she went in on a Thursday evening and labored for 25.5 hours and finally she saw God. And the blessing, the miracle, and the hope he blessed her with: 7 lbs 13 oz, 20.5 in long. Over the next month she took in everything, his little noises, his smiles and giggles, even his stinky diapers. Life is pure ecstasy. And now she sits here holding him, watching him slowly drift off to sleep and realizing how he saved her, how he made life so much more worthwhile, and how he was her saving grace. And can't believe how lucky she is that she's able to spend the rest of her life watching him, helping him, and giving him everything she can.

And then I laid my little one down and cried again, so thankful for everything I'm so blessed with right now. Life has never meant so much. I live for each day and waiting to see what new adventures little Maxwell, Bryan and I will discover. My life may be a little more frustrating, disorganized, and my clothes a little shabbier from where I get spit up on, but I wouldn't trade any of it for anything in the world.

"A baby is sunshine and moonbeams and more brightening your world as never before."
Mommy's pride and joy <3

Baby Max is growing like crazy!

So Max is almost 3 weeks old (on Friday) and has outgrown newborn clothes! I can't handle this! I can handle the crying, feeding, changing, loss of sleep... but growing so fast! I don't know about all this! This week he started his growth spurt so he's been incredibly fussy and eating like every hour or has days where he sleeps all day. It's okay, I'd take a million fussy days if that meant a million days with him. We're taking our first road trip this weekend down to Little Rock, so hopefully everything goes well. I'm pretty sure it will, but Bryan's been pretty skeptical. Max is getting to where he can hold his head up pretty well and it won't be too long before he's keeping it up... just a reminder of how independent he's going to get too fast. Speaking of, I got the annual question: Do you know what you want for Christmas? I can finally say right now I don't really know what I want. I have everything I need: my son, Bryan, our health, making it through school, etc. Life is pretty great and I couldn't ask for more. And of course, this Thanksgiving I know what I'm most thankful for.

Dear Maxwell,
It's been almost 3 weeks since you've been in my life. I can't believe it took this long for us to meet, but I've enjoyed every millisecond of it. You may scream your little head off, but I'm convinced God made you so adorable to make me forget all those things and focus on the good. It's about to be your first Thanksgiving soon. Do you know what you're thankful for? You're my number one this year. I am so blessed. I'm watching you sleep right now, and you're sprawled across the ottoman without a care in the world. I can't help but stare at you. You've spent barely any time in your crib because I'd rather have you in my arms or somewhere where I can see you. I'm so proud of all the accomplishments you've been making! You're going to reach your milestones very early, I predict. And it's going to make me cry like you to realize that you need me less and less. And then I'll have to give in eventually and have another baby to start fresh with. But you're always going to be number one in my heart. You're my firstborn, my surprise, the love of my life, and what keeps me going each day. Daddy and I are absolutely enamored by you. You're going to become something great, I can just feel it. I love you little goober.

Love always,
Mommy


"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."

He's here!

So I finally get it. Everything. In case you haven't been on facebook in the past 3 days, here's an update:

Went in to the hospital around 5 on Thursday. They induced and the wait began. And lasted 25.5 hours. At 7:33 pm on Friday October 30, 2009 my life was complete. Bryan Maxwell Speed was born, 7 lbs 13 oz 20.5" long. It's so crazy how my life has changed since then. My nights are now timed in 2.5-3 hr increments, I don't think the circles under my eyes have ever been darker, and I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything in the world. Hormones have gotten the better of me at least once a day. The first night with him, I think the nurses took him away and by the second hour, tears were streaming down my face because they hadn't brought him back to me and I couldn't get out of bed to go get him. Today thoughts of him growing up kept flooding in and I started thinking about when he wouldn't need me anymore, when he was grown, etc and couldn't stop crying. I went from being so headstrong about not having a child to being completely obsessed with my son from the minute he was born. He doesn't sleep in his crib much unless its at night because he's in my arms :) Things are starting to get easier I think, as we're slowly getting him on a routine. But sleep doesn't come easy unless he's asleep.

Dear Maxwell,
It's amazing how much you complete my life in ways I didn't ever imagine. I get teary-eyed thinking of you and how one day you're going to grow up and go off on your own and won't really need me anymore. I'm scared that time is going to pass before my eyes and before I know it you won't be a baby anymore. I really wish you could stay a newborn forever. You're so perfect. I couldn't have imagined a more gorgeous baby and although you've cried and kept us up the past 2 nights, you're really a good baby. I hate letting you down and get upset when I don't have you near me or in my arms. Of course, unless Daddy's holding you. You two are my everything right now. We love you so incredibly much. I've never seen Daddy so cautious. I never thought you'd get to me this way either. But you have and I'm not sorry. I just can't wait to get to know you over the rest of our lives. Thanks for completing me.

Love always,

Mommy

<3 my two boys

Down to a few hours left!!

So we got to the hospital around 450 (I was crazy ready to get here). We had to wait until 5:20 to get our room. I was SO uncomfortable ready, and impatient. Wait let me back up and tell you today's events. Woke up around 9 with no sight of going back to sleep. Talked to mom around 10:20 and she said she was too excited and was on her way up. She got here around 11ish I suppose? I was out getting a new memory card so I didn't have to delete any on the old memory card. Then, we figure out that it would be better to go get a haircut before having him. So finally get to see little Miss Jessica! And I walk in and her beautiful long blond hair is now short and dark brown. Envy came out of the way she can wear her hair any way and it still looks great. Anyway, so she started asking me when I was due.. "Oh, I'm being induced at five..." "Are you KIDDING me?" Then I didn't feel bad when Tim (her co-worker) told me a story about a lady whose water had already broke and stopped by the hairdresser for a haircut on her way to the hospital WHILE SHE WAS ALREADY IN LABOR. Goodness. Then afterwards, went to go see my gorgeous manicurist Michelle and the lady whose nails she was doing mention the swine flu shot at the Jones Center in Springdale. Ugh. Thanks, lady. So we had to go do that. By the time all that was done mom figured we'd go back up to Rogers to Gordman's to exchange Bryan's slippers so he'd be able to wear them tonight along with his new pants. He's all Arkansas'd out right now. Dads-to-be need some gifts too :) Especially him, he deserves it. So we get here, and I swear they put the IV in and I'd never saw myself squirt so much blood (I'm still sore). My contractions during that time she was sticking me were 2 mins apart if that tells you how much i hate needles. Then they went back to around 8 mins apart. It's been pretty crazy so far. Apparently my contractions have been right back to back to back, so they had to pump me excessively with fluid for a while. Then his heartrate was too high, so I was really looking hot when they had to put the CO2 mask on me. I'm gonna guess he'll be here in the morning. Ambien hasn't taken effect (I took it 2 hrs ago), so I guess that's a loss. Anyway, it's pretty emotional realizing how much Bry and I have been through in the past year and a half and what we're about to experience for the rest of our lives. It's made tears creep up throughout the day thinking about it. Anyway, I'm shooting to have him out and born by 8 am-ish. We'll know a little bit more around midnight, so can't wait for that. In a few short hours I'm finally gonna see this little wiggleworm and he's gonna take my breath away :) I have a feeling I may be selfish for a little while, so bear with me if you come to visit. I've been waiting for this miracle for a long long while now. And then went over some. It's all about to happen - the crazed delivery, the hilarious doctor to keep my spirits up, the tears bursting through once I've seen this little Bryan/Heather offspring. Hopefully they'll stop switching my nurses though. I keep getting attached and then they leave. Oh well, more tomorrow!

Dear Maxwell,
I'm pleasantly surprised at how well things are going right now. I'm in little to no pain and yoru contractions are pretty strong. I can tell you're excited as well because your heart rate is spiked from moving around so much. It won't be too much longer before we can hold you and tell you how much we love you. Daddy's taking off a week to take care of us so we're extra lucky. I wouldn't want it any other way. You'll like him. He kinda carries a special space for you in his heart even though he may not show it all the time. You're his pride and joy darling. But then again, I understand that completely. I brag to people who ask about you all the time... it's hard not to :) Anyway, with just a few more hours 'til we finally meet face to face let's try and get a few hours sleep and then we can play all day tomorrow in between sleeping and feeding. I love you sweetheart. See you in a few hours.

Love always,
Mommy

"Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything."
-William MacNeile Dixon

The end is finally near!! :)

So we get a triple dose of good news this week. Called in yesterday, got set up with some zolpidem (which is the kind of ambiend they give to pregnant ladies). Then today, came in to see Dr. Hix (this is, btw, our favorite doctor.) who checked everything out - and as I predicted - no change. But the good news now! He's going to be delivering Maxwell! :) So I know that he'll come laughing, not crying into this world! :) We leave tomorrow at 5 pm to get meds to start making progress, and then they have to monitor me, because there is a chance I could go straight into labor after they give them to me. We could only hope. There's a risk that I may be headed for a C-section, he explained, because my pelvis is so small. But I think it should know what to do. Hopefully at least. Then, what we've all been waiting for! Bryan Maxwell Speed (it's official, I filled out the paperwork with his name on it) will be born either Friday morning or afternoon. And then my whole life is going to change by the dawn's early scream. Every morning. Ha, maybe not quite. Still nervous about everything and how much life is going to change from what we know it as now, but nothing that Bry and I can't overcome as long as we stick together. I love you Maxwell, I'll be holding you in a series of HOURS.

Dear Maxwell,
It's been quite the struggly trying to make progress with you. But I suppose that's okay at this point in time, but if you would've asked me a while back I would've been devestated. It's been tough waiting and waiting for something to happen, then finally have to realize that the doctor's are going to have to be the ones to make things happen. It's okay... we'll work on self-sufficiency!
Your daddy and I are pretty good cheerleaders... We'll be the greatest fans of your life. And for each new little Speed that comes into this world as well. But you're our first born. Our greatest surprise this year. I've known of you since February 15 and for 8 and a half more months you've been everything I lived for: cheered me up (kicked me) when I was crying about life's uncertainties, gave me the strength to grow up and regain my independence that somehow got lost along the way, and finally the extra drive when I was upset about the situation to finish studying and try my hardest - you and your daddy both depend on it. No staying in college for 5 years, no going out to party when I know I should be home studying, etc. You've changed a lot in my life around - for the better. And I couldn't thank you enough, except to raise you to the best of my ability, deal with you in an equal manner, and above all love your father so you know security from day one. We're working on that too. He's my best friend, he's been there for me more than you'll ever know while you were baking in the oven. He makes sure to pick me back up when things start getting tough and helping me get back on track. You're gonna have a lot to live up to, and have the ideal role model. I love you so much - I never felt so heavily about anything. Every single decision I make is centered around you first, then Daddy. I can't wait to meet you Maxwell, and neither can about the 50+ people we texted today! x < 24 hrs before we head to the hospital! I love you sir. Meeting you soon.

Love always,
Mommy

"Whenever a woman gives birth to a child, she remembers the hard work no more, for the joy that a child has been born into the world," John 16:21

Due Date Today

So it looks as if my due date is going to come and go just like any other day. How depressing. Went to the doctor on Wednesday and once the doctor left the room I just started crying out of frustration and sleep deprivation. I hate going in week after week just to hear, "No change. Your cervix is still closed." So I'm probably going to go in next week just to hear the same thing. Except they'll bring me in Thursday night to take pills to get things going, then induce me Friday morning. I have never been so upset with doctors before, not listening to my concerns or anything. Last appointment I barely got a word in edgewise unless he was asking me a question. So Park Hill will probably not be getting me as a patient the next time around. I don't like not having the same doctor, having to go into labor and delivery late at night, be pestered by who my doctor is, have no answer for them, and not have one doctor who knows my full pregnancy history. It's really frustrating. Because I know if I would've gone to Washington Regional that I wouldn't have to be waiting a whole extra half-week after I'm 41 weeks to give birth. One of my friends was offered to be induced a week before she was due because she was so uncomfortable. Anyway, enough of my ranting. I still have yet to get a good night's sleep without the aid of Tylenol PM (meaning more than 5 hrs). I guess this is my body's way of gearing me up for what's to lie ahead. On the flip side, I'm going to finally be a parent next week. It's still a hard pill to swallow. I can't believe that I'm finally going to be able to hold the thing that has been wiggling around inside of me, giving me abdominal pains like crazy, making me uncomfortable like crazy for about 10 months now. Bryan's not helping telling him to stay in my belly as long as he wants :( He just doesn't understand. I keep trying to tell him next time it's his turn, but he keeps insisting he has a coupon that gets him out free. I need to steal this coupon. Anyway, hopefully before next Thursday I'll be able to start posting pictures of him, but it's not likely. Both my brother and I were induced babies, so usually the trend follows unfortunately. If this is the case, I'm hoping he's like me and comes out in 4 hours. That'd be beautiful. Anyway, for those of you who are planning to come to the hospital: if I'm not wearing makeup and my hair isn't straightened, cameras are off-limits until my mother can work magic. Ha. But I'm serious. I have gross under-eye circles from lack of sleep and I just can't deal with seeing myself on facebook like that :( Narcissistic thinking, maybe... just don't want to be seen at my very worst. I WILL keep you out of my room. Hahahaha :) Or talk to the nurse about confiscating all digital cameras and camera phones. Anyway, until then.

Dear Maxwell,
You weren't supposed to really take after me. You're supposed to be able to be talked into things like your daddy. Especially when I'm pleading with you to come out for weeks. And when you start taking away my precious sleep :( I get cranky and irritable and your dad doesn't really like it. He leaves me alone for a while until he has to go to work because that's probably the best way to handle someone who is going crazy without sleep. And I don't think that it's healthy to be co-dependent on Tylenol PM, so I let you win most of the time at night. Daddy thinks I'm crazy, but I feel like I know what I'm doing. We only have so much time left before the doctors force you out. So we can do this the easy way or the easier way. Ha :) I certainly hope that you choose to come before they use medicine. If you didn't know this, I'm kind of anti-medicine unless I absolutely HAVE to take it. And usually if your daddy finds out that I have to get medicine, then I end up getting it too :( Not to mention googling the pros and cons of induction really have me freaked out about what could happen. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm ready to fall in love at first sight :) I love you little one. Your bed's waiting for you this coming week.

Love always,
Mommy

"A baby is something you carry inside of you for nine months, in your arms for three years, and in your heart 'til the day you die."
-Mary Mason

Late Night Thoughts

So it shouldn't have hit me like it did, all at once. An overwhelming, joyful sensation. I was getting ready to fall into bed for the night and finally try to catch up on sleep that I missed from Thursday night/Friday morning when I finally realized: This week I'm going to be bringing my son home. Well, if everything goes according to plan that is. It's so hard to believe that this little thing that has been punching and kicking me incessantly for 9 months is finally going to make his appearance in this world. Everything we've made, everything we've been through, everything that will forever be our world is about to come out and show us what true love really is, what life really is, what being alive is all about. It's crazy to think we've created this, this little man who's going to grow up and change our world.

Dear Little Maxwell,

It's your week to come. I remember everything - the first day I realized I was pregnant with you. The fright I felt, the anxiety, which was soon quickly replaced by an overpowering feeling of love, happiness, hope, and promise. We've been through a tough road, but I promise to make it as paved as possible for you. You're finally about to meet the people who have been screaming outside your shell. Well, at times one of them meowed. It might be a little scary at first because it's dark and warm in there, and you'll be immersed in bright lights, loud noises, and cold. But not for long, if your daddy and I have any say in it :) I can't wait to teach you so many things, to show you everything that you never knew was possible, to watch you grow and run out of fingers counting the number of times you make me proud. Just remember, I may be "mean" at times, I may not be your favorite person at times, but most of all I'm just trying to get by with figuring out how to teach you, how to love you, how to make the most out of your life. You're our little surprise blessing. Never think of yourself any other way, because there's no other way that is the truth. You're very much loved and very much wanted. I can't wait to meet you doll.

Love always,
Mommy

News flash: being numb is completely normal!

Okay, I feel like this week has been almost the absolute worst. 2 tests I have today. Well, last night around the time Bryan got home, I was texting Ellen Diebold getting really excited that Where the Wild Things Are was supposed to be showing. Well, when I went to text her back, I realized I couldn't see what I was typing. All these spots kept showing up. It got SO bad that I wasn't able to see out of my left eye. Then, a full-blown headache strikes (right below migraine level, not too far off). So normally, I flip out and turned to good 'ole google. Well, I had to wait 'til Bryan came back in (he was taking out the trash), because I wasn't able to read the screen about what these people had said. Then, my right arm started tingling really bad. So we call the docs, and oh glory they tell us to get to labor & delivery. We got there around 10 pm, and I was just certain that all they were going to do was check my blood pressure (apparently what I described to the nurse were signs of hypertension). Well, boy was I wrong. I flipped out shortly after we got there. While I was laying on the bed, Mm whole right hand went completely numb and I couldn't feel what I was doing. The absolutely scariest moment I had last night. Then Dr. Gorman comes in and tells me that this is normal... really? I don't understand how. Then they proceeded to do lab work with NEEDLES. Yes, needles! They had to take my blood, which I wasn't very happy about... I absolutely HATE needles. Then, we had to wait an 2 hours to get the results back and finally get discharged at 1 am. Needless to say, I won't miss that hospital once I'm finally able to get Max out. I prayed like crazy that God would just let him come out. THANKS FOR LISTENING UP THERE :( On a positive, haven't had any painful swelling since my last post so things are going pretty smoothly there :) We finally put in the carseat bases yesterday, so now I think we've officially done EVERYTHING we need to do to make sure that Max has everything he needs, and then some :) Plus, we can't take him home without a carseat. Which I'd rather hold him in my sling on the way home and stare at him, but silly law people say that's wrong. Anyway, not too much longer! 4 days 'til 40 weeks, and 8 days until the original due date... I just hope he's not late.

Dear Maxwell,
You're causing quite a deal of stress now. Uncertainty about when you're going to come, symptoms you cause me that I'm completely unaware are normal, and on top of that the frustration that's coming from STILL not making progress. You are a difficult little boy already, but I know you're going to be so full of life because you barely ever find time to stop moving. A word of advice... if a stranger named "Aunt Molly" comes up and tries to give you candy, promptly refuse. This is for your own sake, I promise. Anyway, you're going to have to give up this whole anti-socialness you have going on because the docs aren't gonna let you stay in past Halloween. Muahahaha ;) So why not just come now instead of later? It's okay, as my friend Stephanie told me, you're still working on perfection. My anticipation isn't very accepting of this perfection, but I suppose I don't have much of a choice. Anyway, wanted to write you a note today and let you know that you're very very loved and that your 2 weeks notice is coming up soon. Otherwise it's eviction, baby.

Love always,
Mommy

39 weeks today!

Well, this week I've got two mid-terms and I can't seem to focus on either one with the excitement of Max coming soon. I've actually had to pray that I can make it through this week! HA! Hopefully good news at the baby doctor tomorrow! Had a pretty amazing weekend - most of the regular gang over to the house for cooking out and watching the after-games. And hopefully Max'll be here this weekend to cook out with us! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Got the stroller and car seat! I'm zooming around the apartment playing with it! Heeeee! Bryan hasn't been too thrilled with me - everytime we get something, I pull it out right away to put together. Too much excitement to wait! Apparently when he was going to see his grandmother, parents, and sister off he told me to wait until tomorrow to put the stroller together, but I didn't listen! Sorry grosshead ;] Anyway, for anyone reading this, I heard about this AMAZING book that I'm going to eventually get once the lines at Barnes and Noble aren't insane. It teaches you by the 7th week to let your little one sleep through the night. It's called "On Becoming Baby Wise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. Grab it for yourself and start studying! I was told about this and the lady swears it worked for her daughter and her sister! (Even though I can't remember for the life of me who the lady was - I just know I was with my mom when we found out about it... silly pregnancy hormones making me forget!) I think the worst part about everything now is that when I'm out for too long, my legs swell up, and let me tell you - that's the worst pain ever. It's as if you're flexing your legs the whole time you walk, and your muscles are in overdrive. Makes it hard to get out when I don't want to sit around the casa all day :[ Anyway, baby doctor tomorrow - please be good news, I'm sick of being pregnant! I want the real thing now!

Dear baby Maxwell,
You're a very stubborn baby apparently. It's okay, that's not always a bad thing, and we have plenty of time to work on it. Probably inevitable since both your parents are that way. It's time to come out soon so we can play and laugh and have fun! :] I definitely know I'm going to have my hands full if you're anything like your daddy. I ask him on a regular basis if he's aware of how old he is! But I suppose that's okay, just means that life'll be more fun and less serious, unless of course it has to be. You're so spoiled already. You have more clothes than Daddy! Haaa :] But of course, you'll never have more clothes/shoes than Mommy. If you have sisters, they might attempt to come close! Anyway, hurry out soon so that I can stop be distracted and distressed with the uncertainty of not knowing when you're going to come out. I have two tests this week and it's not helping sir! And you've got bookoos of people ready to meet you. Let's not be fashionably late, even if it is socially acceptable. I love you kiddo, even though I still get upset with things that happen. You're worth everything and more. I've known it since the day I first felt you fluttering around - it was after midnight in the very wee hours on May 11, 2009. I'll never forget that day. Don't be scared if I start bawling my eyes out when they show you to me, it'll be a good thing. I cried the day I found out you were a boy and saw you moving around inside, even if you were kicking my stomach like crazy. And to actually finally see you, well, you're going to take my breath away. Alright, I seriously have to get back to finishing this study guide and ensure your future by finishing college. Come see me soon.

Love always,
Mommy

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on"
-Carl Sandburg

2 weeks left!

So now it's gotten to the point where I feel like he just wants to stay inside and play around forever. It's hard to imagine in a few short days I'll be holding him in my arms! If any of you reading this are planning to be there, I apologize in advance for how much I'm going to cry... I watched a Baby Story yesterday and bawled when someone else's baby was born, so I can only imagine mine. Bryan finally fixed the crib! (insert celebratory music) And everything is pretty much ready for his arrival! We have such amazing friends! Krystina and David came over on Friday and brought us the CUTEST halloween shoes and hat! And then a much needed changing pad that you can take around! I totally forgot we'd need one of those! Anyway, I never realized how much just going around doing normal things takes out of me. Last Friday, I started my day early (around 10), and then didn't get to stop for a break until around 4. Then an hour and a half later we were off to Bryan's cousin's football game and his grandmother's for dinner. By the time I got home (it was only 10 pm), my calves were swollen to the size of my thighs! So now I barely do anything so as to stay off my feet. Speaking of, mom came in town this weekend and had me go everywhere in the world with her. I got tired, so I used one of those electric scooter wheelchair mabobs. I was riding dirty, let me tell you. I was actually really embarrassed and wouldn't reverse because it made this huge obnoxious beeping noise. And I could swear people were staring at me like, "who the heck does this chick think she is riding around in one of these?" until I stood up. Anyway, tomorrow's baby day. We're going to have a MUCH BETTER doctor than the one we had last time. Hopefully we'll get news that I want to hear.

Dear Maxwell,
It's amazing how you, being so tiny, can cause so many emotions to rise up inside of me. In the past week, I've still wondered how life's going to play out for you, been scared to death of the worst, and elated with joy for your birth day. Daddy and I have everything here waiting for you. I'm praying each night now that the next day will be the day, I can hardly wait. I'll try to let you get some sleep soon after you're here, but no promises. Good night, right now you're moving around like crazy and I have no idea why. You made a friend last night. Your godmother, Jessica, brought over her puppy and it was crazy to see, but she was trying everything she could to get near you and my belly. She slept around you like she was protecting you. I thought only humans were anxiously waiting for you to arrive, but apparently I was mistaken! Each night I dream of you still. Last night we were playing, you were the most gorgeous little boy in the world, and I stood in awe of you. I can't wait to see how amazing you truly are and not have to dream up these things. You can come out now, I'm about to send out an eviction notice if it's not soon. I love you little Maxwell. You are the most blessed surprise I have ever been lucky to have. It's been comforting to have you around when I was unsure about so much. You kept me going. You're not even born yet, and I already owe you so much. I can't thank God enough for you. Every time you move inside of me, I only imagine you moving around in my arms. We've got quite the trek ahead of us, baby boy, and I'm going to make sure everything works out perfectly. You deserve it.

Love always,
Mommy

"A baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilites." -Eda J. Le Shan

Crazy nights and perfect days

So a couple days ago, Max decided that he was going to stop moving and freak me out. He didn't move for about 5 hours. Needless to say, I was bawling and crying on the way to the hospital with the worst in mind. Not what I needed. Apparently, stressing out can make you tense up and hold everything together, not giving him a chance to move. We got in there, I heard his heartbeat, and instantly relaxed and within 10 minutes he was moving again. WHAT RELIEF! I semi-figured out the crib today. I got everything put in place, but it's still loose so I'm going to try and see later what comes about with that. Talk about crazy. Anyway, finally ordered the bedding set!!! The main color is green :) I decided not to go with my initial bedding, because the one I found was adorable and I got SO much with it :) So now all that is left to get in - besides waiting for that to mail in, is the mattress! HEE! RELIEF RELIEF RELIEF. Yesterday I was so excited! We had probably one of the best days in a while having a ton of friends come over and grilled out for the game. But Natalie Harp comes in, holding a Bumbo chair and I got SO giddy! I already have it sitting out waiting for him to be able to hold up his head. Well, we got back to the doctor Wednesday to figure everything out... here's what the crib bedding looks like:Dear Baby Maxwell,
Please don't give me a heart attack like you did the other day. I don't know if I can handle this much longer. I've never experienced such stress like this before... you're not even here yet and you're already knowing how to keep me on my toes! It's okay, years from now I'll make sure to repay you :) The contractions are getting stronger and more frequent, so I know not too long until you're keeping me up at all ungodly hours. I imagine myself being like someone going through a withdrawal, although from sleep. I hope your daddy understands. Well, he might be experiencing the same thing too. You're on his mind all the time. I've started getting more and more nervous now, wondering if I'm going to be able to live up to my mom's precedent and giving you everything. Your wonderful daddy just hugs me and makes sure to reassure me. And then he sparks my imagination with how wonderful and gorgeous you're going to be. I can only imagine right now. He's still convinced you're going to say, "Goo goo gaa gaa." I'll be waiting to hear that one. In a few days, you'll be considered full term then I'll be walking on eggshells waiting anxiously for you. I'm only getting more and more anxious with each passing day. You're right beneath my heart for now, but once you get here, you're gonna fill it up with so much joy and happiness. I may be still a bit uneasy about how everything's going to play out, but once it gets here, I'm sure this will all be a memory. We're waiting for you little one, I hope you're ready. You have no clue how blessed you're about to be.

Love always,
Mommy

Doctor visit

So today was the last 2 week appointment this morning. Now we're at appointments once a week. Docs are saying we're making good progress, but no baby this week haha :) And okay, I think we have the best docs ever. I haven't seen Dr. Hinton for over like 10-12 weeks. She comes in, "So how's Max doing?" I was floored that she remembered his name, let alone who we were! She's amazing, they're all pretty amazing and incredible. Good news! My pain has eased up for the most part. Crossing my fingers it stays that way. I didn't realize how nervous I'd be getting about everything - just all that I want to do and plan for his life, to make it the very best. I know it'll be tough with everything going on: school and having a baby. It's going to be my biggest test yet, and hopefully end up being one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. I seriously don't know how I'd be able to do this without Bryan. He's been there for everything. He might not always know how to make things better, but just being here is enough. We still have yet to make any more progress on the baby room and figure out how to put the crib together. The instructions were quite difficult to follow and we blamed it on being tired, but looking at it the other night with David Estes here, we STILL couldn't figure it out. It's okay, duct tape works right? Anyway, still have to work at finding final preparations for the room, but I'll post a picture of the semi-finished crib.















Dear Maxwell,
Only 27 more days. We're talking about you all the time, your daddy and me. He's already so proud of you, as am I. I've begun marveling at how much you move instead of being in pain and I can't believe how much you've grown and how far we've come. Also, how big my belly's gotten! Although I was reassured that I'm still very tiny today. I can't wait to show you off to the world, to dress you in all the cute clothes I've had waiting for you for AGES it feels like. If your daddy had his way, it'd be all tshirts and jeans. No worries, I don't even have a pair of jeans for you yet. I feel like I'm constantly cleaning and rearranging things in your room to pass the time by. The days are just creeping by. It'll all be worth it once I hold you in my arms for the first time and see your little face. AND YOUR BRIGHT BLUE EYES! :) Bryan told me I had to let you close them eventually... but what he doesn't know, right? Agh, hurry here soon. We've got our arms open to show you everything you need to know in this world. Although you're gonna show us more than we'll ever be able to show you. We only think our lives have changed so much right now, I told Daddy last night just wait 'til he's here and how much greater our lives are going to be, how blessed we're going to be. All my life I've heard how you never really see life until you see it through the eyes of a child. I'm ready.

Love you and ready to kiss your whole face,
Mommy

"The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new."
Rajneesh

Almost 4 weeks left!

So it's about 4 weeks until his big debut, and things are only getting more and more real. It's so crazy to think that just a year ago I was merely a sophomore going into college and had no idea what was about to hit me later in the year. It's been a crazy ride, but finally everything is coming into place. Last weekend was the big baby sale and we were able to get pretty much EVERYTHING! Talk about relief! Might not have been exactly what I wanted, but I'm grateful for what I did get. I'm so lucky that I have so many people that are excited, instead of the being judgmental and negative about the whole situation.


Dear Maxwell,
It's about 4 weeks 'til I get to see your screaming face in the hospital, but you should know that I'm dreaming about it every night. I can't wait to hold you, to take care of you, and make your life the best that I can. It's been a crazy year getting to where we are right now, but I promise you, I'm going to be there for you for every minute. It's been bittersweet, mainly emphasizing the sweet part though, little angel. You've managed to completely turn around my life and make me realize how much life isn't going to be about me anymore. You're in everything I do, everything I think, and there's no other way I'd have it right now. Of course I have what-if's, but God knows what he's doing. You were my special surprise and brought to me for a reason. I may get upset and cry alot, and I know you know it's going on, because you always make sure to poke me as if to say, "It's all right Mommy, I'm worth it all." And you must take after your father, because you're right, and you're pretty smart already. I dream of what you'll become, and I'll be there throughout the way making sure you do whatever you want to do. Your daddy's ready to see you too. I couldn't thank God any more for him. He's hoping that you're gonna be a huge sports fan like him and be able to be his mini-me :) We both are so grateful that despite everything, you're healthy. Can't ask for more than that right now! Anyway, we're going to spend this entire week getting everything ready for your debut. I love you little Maxwell.

Love always,
Mommy