Down to a few hours left!!

So we got to the hospital around 450 (I was crazy ready to get here). We had to wait until 5:20 to get our room. I was SO uncomfortable ready, and impatient. Wait let me back up and tell you today's events. Woke up around 9 with no sight of going back to sleep. Talked to mom around 10:20 and she said she was too excited and was on her way up. She got here around 11ish I suppose? I was out getting a new memory card so I didn't have to delete any on the old memory card. Then, we figure out that it would be better to go get a haircut before having him. So finally get to see little Miss Jessica! And I walk in and her beautiful long blond hair is now short and dark brown. Envy came out of the way she can wear her hair any way and it still looks great. Anyway, so she started asking me when I was due.. "Oh, I'm being induced at five..." "Are you KIDDING me?" Then I didn't feel bad when Tim (her co-worker) told me a story about a lady whose water had already broke and stopped by the hairdresser for a haircut on her way to the hospital WHILE SHE WAS ALREADY IN LABOR. Goodness. Then afterwards, went to go see my gorgeous manicurist Michelle and the lady whose nails she was doing mention the swine flu shot at the Jones Center in Springdale. Ugh. Thanks, lady. So we had to go do that. By the time all that was done mom figured we'd go back up to Rogers to Gordman's to exchange Bryan's slippers so he'd be able to wear them tonight along with his new pants. He's all Arkansas'd out right now. Dads-to-be need some gifts too :) Especially him, he deserves it. So we get here, and I swear they put the IV in and I'd never saw myself squirt so much blood (I'm still sore). My contractions during that time she was sticking me were 2 mins apart if that tells you how much i hate needles. Then they went back to around 8 mins apart. It's been pretty crazy so far. Apparently my contractions have been right back to back to back, so they had to pump me excessively with fluid for a while. Then his heartrate was too high, so I was really looking hot when they had to put the CO2 mask on me. I'm gonna guess he'll be here in the morning. Ambien hasn't taken effect (I took it 2 hrs ago), so I guess that's a loss. Anyway, it's pretty emotional realizing how much Bry and I have been through in the past year and a half and what we're about to experience for the rest of our lives. It's made tears creep up throughout the day thinking about it. Anyway, I'm shooting to have him out and born by 8 am-ish. We'll know a little bit more around midnight, so can't wait for that. In a few short hours I'm finally gonna see this little wiggleworm and he's gonna take my breath away :) I have a feeling I may be selfish for a little while, so bear with me if you come to visit. I've been waiting for this miracle for a long long while now. And then went over some. It's all about to happen - the crazed delivery, the hilarious doctor to keep my spirits up, the tears bursting through once I've seen this little Bryan/Heather offspring. Hopefully they'll stop switching my nurses though. I keep getting attached and then they leave. Oh well, more tomorrow!

Dear Maxwell,
I'm pleasantly surprised at how well things are going right now. I'm in little to no pain and yoru contractions are pretty strong. I can tell you're excited as well because your heart rate is spiked from moving around so much. It won't be too much longer before we can hold you and tell you how much we love you. Daddy's taking off a week to take care of us so we're extra lucky. I wouldn't want it any other way. You'll like him. He kinda carries a special space for you in his heart even though he may not show it all the time. You're his pride and joy darling. But then again, I understand that completely. I brag to people who ask about you all the time... it's hard not to :) Anyway, with just a few more hours 'til we finally meet face to face let's try and get a few hours sleep and then we can play all day tomorrow in between sleeping and feeding. I love you sweetheart. See you in a few hours.

Love always,
Mommy

"Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything."
-William MacNeile Dixon

The end is finally near!! :)

So we get a triple dose of good news this week. Called in yesterday, got set up with some zolpidem (which is the kind of ambiend they give to pregnant ladies). Then today, came in to see Dr. Hix (this is, btw, our favorite doctor.) who checked everything out - and as I predicted - no change. But the good news now! He's going to be delivering Maxwell! :) So I know that he'll come laughing, not crying into this world! :) We leave tomorrow at 5 pm to get meds to start making progress, and then they have to monitor me, because there is a chance I could go straight into labor after they give them to me. We could only hope. There's a risk that I may be headed for a C-section, he explained, because my pelvis is so small. But I think it should know what to do. Hopefully at least. Then, what we've all been waiting for! Bryan Maxwell Speed (it's official, I filled out the paperwork with his name on it) will be born either Friday morning or afternoon. And then my whole life is going to change by the dawn's early scream. Every morning. Ha, maybe not quite. Still nervous about everything and how much life is going to change from what we know it as now, but nothing that Bry and I can't overcome as long as we stick together. I love you Maxwell, I'll be holding you in a series of HOURS.

Dear Maxwell,
It's been quite the struggly trying to make progress with you. But I suppose that's okay at this point in time, but if you would've asked me a while back I would've been devestated. It's been tough waiting and waiting for something to happen, then finally have to realize that the doctor's are going to have to be the ones to make things happen. It's okay... we'll work on self-sufficiency!
Your daddy and I are pretty good cheerleaders... We'll be the greatest fans of your life. And for each new little Speed that comes into this world as well. But you're our first born. Our greatest surprise this year. I've known of you since February 15 and for 8 and a half more months you've been everything I lived for: cheered me up (kicked me) when I was crying about life's uncertainties, gave me the strength to grow up and regain my independence that somehow got lost along the way, and finally the extra drive when I was upset about the situation to finish studying and try my hardest - you and your daddy both depend on it. No staying in college for 5 years, no going out to party when I know I should be home studying, etc. You've changed a lot in my life around - for the better. And I couldn't thank you enough, except to raise you to the best of my ability, deal with you in an equal manner, and above all love your father so you know security from day one. We're working on that too. He's my best friend, he's been there for me more than you'll ever know while you were baking in the oven. He makes sure to pick me back up when things start getting tough and helping me get back on track. You're gonna have a lot to live up to, and have the ideal role model. I love you so much - I never felt so heavily about anything. Every single decision I make is centered around you first, then Daddy. I can't wait to meet you Maxwell, and neither can about the 50+ people we texted today! x < 24 hrs before we head to the hospital! I love you sir. Meeting you soon.

Love always,
Mommy

"Whenever a woman gives birth to a child, she remembers the hard work no more, for the joy that a child has been born into the world," John 16:21

Due Date Today

So it looks as if my due date is going to come and go just like any other day. How depressing. Went to the doctor on Wednesday and once the doctor left the room I just started crying out of frustration and sleep deprivation. I hate going in week after week just to hear, "No change. Your cervix is still closed." So I'm probably going to go in next week just to hear the same thing. Except they'll bring me in Thursday night to take pills to get things going, then induce me Friday morning. I have never been so upset with doctors before, not listening to my concerns or anything. Last appointment I barely got a word in edgewise unless he was asking me a question. So Park Hill will probably not be getting me as a patient the next time around. I don't like not having the same doctor, having to go into labor and delivery late at night, be pestered by who my doctor is, have no answer for them, and not have one doctor who knows my full pregnancy history. It's really frustrating. Because I know if I would've gone to Washington Regional that I wouldn't have to be waiting a whole extra half-week after I'm 41 weeks to give birth. One of my friends was offered to be induced a week before she was due because she was so uncomfortable. Anyway, enough of my ranting. I still have yet to get a good night's sleep without the aid of Tylenol PM (meaning more than 5 hrs). I guess this is my body's way of gearing me up for what's to lie ahead. On the flip side, I'm going to finally be a parent next week. It's still a hard pill to swallow. I can't believe that I'm finally going to be able to hold the thing that has been wiggling around inside of me, giving me abdominal pains like crazy, making me uncomfortable like crazy for about 10 months now. Bryan's not helping telling him to stay in my belly as long as he wants :( He just doesn't understand. I keep trying to tell him next time it's his turn, but he keeps insisting he has a coupon that gets him out free. I need to steal this coupon. Anyway, hopefully before next Thursday I'll be able to start posting pictures of him, but it's not likely. Both my brother and I were induced babies, so usually the trend follows unfortunately. If this is the case, I'm hoping he's like me and comes out in 4 hours. That'd be beautiful. Anyway, for those of you who are planning to come to the hospital: if I'm not wearing makeup and my hair isn't straightened, cameras are off-limits until my mother can work magic. Ha. But I'm serious. I have gross under-eye circles from lack of sleep and I just can't deal with seeing myself on facebook like that :( Narcissistic thinking, maybe... just don't want to be seen at my very worst. I WILL keep you out of my room. Hahahaha :) Or talk to the nurse about confiscating all digital cameras and camera phones. Anyway, until then.

Dear Maxwell,
You weren't supposed to really take after me. You're supposed to be able to be talked into things like your daddy. Especially when I'm pleading with you to come out for weeks. And when you start taking away my precious sleep :( I get cranky and irritable and your dad doesn't really like it. He leaves me alone for a while until he has to go to work because that's probably the best way to handle someone who is going crazy without sleep. And I don't think that it's healthy to be co-dependent on Tylenol PM, so I let you win most of the time at night. Daddy thinks I'm crazy, but I feel like I know what I'm doing. We only have so much time left before the doctors force you out. So we can do this the easy way or the easier way. Ha :) I certainly hope that you choose to come before they use medicine. If you didn't know this, I'm kind of anti-medicine unless I absolutely HAVE to take it. And usually if your daddy finds out that I have to get medicine, then I end up getting it too :( Not to mention googling the pros and cons of induction really have me freaked out about what could happen. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm ready to fall in love at first sight :) I love you little one. Your bed's waiting for you this coming week.

Love always,
Mommy

"A baby is something you carry inside of you for nine months, in your arms for three years, and in your heart 'til the day you die."
-Mary Mason

Late Night Thoughts

So it shouldn't have hit me like it did, all at once. An overwhelming, joyful sensation. I was getting ready to fall into bed for the night and finally try to catch up on sleep that I missed from Thursday night/Friday morning when I finally realized: This week I'm going to be bringing my son home. Well, if everything goes according to plan that is. It's so hard to believe that this little thing that has been punching and kicking me incessantly for 9 months is finally going to make his appearance in this world. Everything we've made, everything we've been through, everything that will forever be our world is about to come out and show us what true love really is, what life really is, what being alive is all about. It's crazy to think we've created this, this little man who's going to grow up and change our world.

Dear Little Maxwell,

It's your week to come. I remember everything - the first day I realized I was pregnant with you. The fright I felt, the anxiety, which was soon quickly replaced by an overpowering feeling of love, happiness, hope, and promise. We've been through a tough road, but I promise to make it as paved as possible for you. You're finally about to meet the people who have been screaming outside your shell. Well, at times one of them meowed. It might be a little scary at first because it's dark and warm in there, and you'll be immersed in bright lights, loud noises, and cold. But not for long, if your daddy and I have any say in it :) I can't wait to teach you so many things, to show you everything that you never knew was possible, to watch you grow and run out of fingers counting the number of times you make me proud. Just remember, I may be "mean" at times, I may not be your favorite person at times, but most of all I'm just trying to get by with figuring out how to teach you, how to love you, how to make the most out of your life. You're our little surprise blessing. Never think of yourself any other way, because there's no other way that is the truth. You're very much loved and very much wanted. I can't wait to meet you doll.

Love always,
Mommy

News flash: being numb is completely normal!

Okay, I feel like this week has been almost the absolute worst. 2 tests I have today. Well, last night around the time Bryan got home, I was texting Ellen Diebold getting really excited that Where the Wild Things Are was supposed to be showing. Well, when I went to text her back, I realized I couldn't see what I was typing. All these spots kept showing up. It got SO bad that I wasn't able to see out of my left eye. Then, a full-blown headache strikes (right below migraine level, not too far off). So normally, I flip out and turned to good 'ole google. Well, I had to wait 'til Bryan came back in (he was taking out the trash), because I wasn't able to read the screen about what these people had said. Then, my right arm started tingling really bad. So we call the docs, and oh glory they tell us to get to labor & delivery. We got there around 10 pm, and I was just certain that all they were going to do was check my blood pressure (apparently what I described to the nurse were signs of hypertension). Well, boy was I wrong. I flipped out shortly after we got there. While I was laying on the bed, Mm whole right hand went completely numb and I couldn't feel what I was doing. The absolutely scariest moment I had last night. Then Dr. Gorman comes in and tells me that this is normal... really? I don't understand how. Then they proceeded to do lab work with NEEDLES. Yes, needles! They had to take my blood, which I wasn't very happy about... I absolutely HATE needles. Then, we had to wait an 2 hours to get the results back and finally get discharged at 1 am. Needless to say, I won't miss that hospital once I'm finally able to get Max out. I prayed like crazy that God would just let him come out. THANKS FOR LISTENING UP THERE :( On a positive, haven't had any painful swelling since my last post so things are going pretty smoothly there :) We finally put in the carseat bases yesterday, so now I think we've officially done EVERYTHING we need to do to make sure that Max has everything he needs, and then some :) Plus, we can't take him home without a carseat. Which I'd rather hold him in my sling on the way home and stare at him, but silly law people say that's wrong. Anyway, not too much longer! 4 days 'til 40 weeks, and 8 days until the original due date... I just hope he's not late.

Dear Maxwell,
You're causing quite a deal of stress now. Uncertainty about when you're going to come, symptoms you cause me that I'm completely unaware are normal, and on top of that the frustration that's coming from STILL not making progress. You are a difficult little boy already, but I know you're going to be so full of life because you barely ever find time to stop moving. A word of advice... if a stranger named "Aunt Molly" comes up and tries to give you candy, promptly refuse. This is for your own sake, I promise. Anyway, you're going to have to give up this whole anti-socialness you have going on because the docs aren't gonna let you stay in past Halloween. Muahahaha ;) So why not just come now instead of later? It's okay, as my friend Stephanie told me, you're still working on perfection. My anticipation isn't very accepting of this perfection, but I suppose I don't have much of a choice. Anyway, wanted to write you a note today and let you know that you're very very loved and that your 2 weeks notice is coming up soon. Otherwise it's eviction, baby.

Love always,
Mommy

39 weeks today!

Well, this week I've got two mid-terms and I can't seem to focus on either one with the excitement of Max coming soon. I've actually had to pray that I can make it through this week! HA! Hopefully good news at the baby doctor tomorrow! Had a pretty amazing weekend - most of the regular gang over to the house for cooking out and watching the after-games. And hopefully Max'll be here this weekend to cook out with us! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Got the stroller and car seat! I'm zooming around the apartment playing with it! Heeeee! Bryan hasn't been too thrilled with me - everytime we get something, I pull it out right away to put together. Too much excitement to wait! Apparently when he was going to see his grandmother, parents, and sister off he told me to wait until tomorrow to put the stroller together, but I didn't listen! Sorry grosshead ;] Anyway, for anyone reading this, I heard about this AMAZING book that I'm going to eventually get once the lines at Barnes and Noble aren't insane. It teaches you by the 7th week to let your little one sleep through the night. It's called "On Becoming Baby Wise" by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. Grab it for yourself and start studying! I was told about this and the lady swears it worked for her daughter and her sister! (Even though I can't remember for the life of me who the lady was - I just know I was with my mom when we found out about it... silly pregnancy hormones making me forget!) I think the worst part about everything now is that when I'm out for too long, my legs swell up, and let me tell you - that's the worst pain ever. It's as if you're flexing your legs the whole time you walk, and your muscles are in overdrive. Makes it hard to get out when I don't want to sit around the casa all day :[ Anyway, baby doctor tomorrow - please be good news, I'm sick of being pregnant! I want the real thing now!

Dear baby Maxwell,
You're a very stubborn baby apparently. It's okay, that's not always a bad thing, and we have plenty of time to work on it. Probably inevitable since both your parents are that way. It's time to come out soon so we can play and laugh and have fun! :] I definitely know I'm going to have my hands full if you're anything like your daddy. I ask him on a regular basis if he's aware of how old he is! But I suppose that's okay, just means that life'll be more fun and less serious, unless of course it has to be. You're so spoiled already. You have more clothes than Daddy! Haaa :] But of course, you'll never have more clothes/shoes than Mommy. If you have sisters, they might attempt to come close! Anyway, hurry out soon so that I can stop be distracted and distressed with the uncertainty of not knowing when you're going to come out. I have two tests this week and it's not helping sir! And you've got bookoos of people ready to meet you. Let's not be fashionably late, even if it is socially acceptable. I love you kiddo, even though I still get upset with things that happen. You're worth everything and more. I've known it since the day I first felt you fluttering around - it was after midnight in the very wee hours on May 11, 2009. I'll never forget that day. Don't be scared if I start bawling my eyes out when they show you to me, it'll be a good thing. I cried the day I found out you were a boy and saw you moving around inside, even if you were kicking my stomach like crazy. And to actually finally see you, well, you're going to take my breath away. Alright, I seriously have to get back to finishing this study guide and ensure your future by finishing college. Come see me soon.

Love always,
Mommy

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on"
-Carl Sandburg

2 weeks left!

So now it's gotten to the point where I feel like he just wants to stay inside and play around forever. It's hard to imagine in a few short days I'll be holding him in my arms! If any of you reading this are planning to be there, I apologize in advance for how much I'm going to cry... I watched a Baby Story yesterday and bawled when someone else's baby was born, so I can only imagine mine. Bryan finally fixed the crib! (insert celebratory music) And everything is pretty much ready for his arrival! We have such amazing friends! Krystina and David came over on Friday and brought us the CUTEST halloween shoes and hat! And then a much needed changing pad that you can take around! I totally forgot we'd need one of those! Anyway, I never realized how much just going around doing normal things takes out of me. Last Friday, I started my day early (around 10), and then didn't get to stop for a break until around 4. Then an hour and a half later we were off to Bryan's cousin's football game and his grandmother's for dinner. By the time I got home (it was only 10 pm), my calves were swollen to the size of my thighs! So now I barely do anything so as to stay off my feet. Speaking of, mom came in town this weekend and had me go everywhere in the world with her. I got tired, so I used one of those electric scooter wheelchair mabobs. I was riding dirty, let me tell you. I was actually really embarrassed and wouldn't reverse because it made this huge obnoxious beeping noise. And I could swear people were staring at me like, "who the heck does this chick think she is riding around in one of these?" until I stood up. Anyway, tomorrow's baby day. We're going to have a MUCH BETTER doctor than the one we had last time. Hopefully we'll get news that I want to hear.

Dear Maxwell,
It's amazing how you, being so tiny, can cause so many emotions to rise up inside of me. In the past week, I've still wondered how life's going to play out for you, been scared to death of the worst, and elated with joy for your birth day. Daddy and I have everything here waiting for you. I'm praying each night now that the next day will be the day, I can hardly wait. I'll try to let you get some sleep soon after you're here, but no promises. Good night, right now you're moving around like crazy and I have no idea why. You made a friend last night. Your godmother, Jessica, brought over her puppy and it was crazy to see, but she was trying everything she could to get near you and my belly. She slept around you like she was protecting you. I thought only humans were anxiously waiting for you to arrive, but apparently I was mistaken! Each night I dream of you still. Last night we were playing, you were the most gorgeous little boy in the world, and I stood in awe of you. I can't wait to see how amazing you truly are and not have to dream up these things. You can come out now, I'm about to send out an eviction notice if it's not soon. I love you little Maxwell. You are the most blessed surprise I have ever been lucky to have. It's been comforting to have you around when I was unsure about so much. You kept me going. You're not even born yet, and I already owe you so much. I can't thank God enough for you. Every time you move inside of me, I only imagine you moving around in my arms. We've got quite the trek ahead of us, baby boy, and I'm going to make sure everything works out perfectly. You deserve it.

Love always,
Mommy

"A baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilites." -Eda J. Le Shan